It’s a common thing for humans to deny their true essence. Many of us have been ingrained to do so since childhood. There are expectations, learned behaviors, emotional adaptations, and more — all of which create these boxes to protect us, keep us hidden, and help us survive. These boxes become a way of living in and understanding the world. If something goes against what we are comfortable with — ultimately against what the brain has convinced us is *true* based on the information that makes sense to the box *we* created — then our brain will do everything it can to deny, suppress, or fight against it. We don’t know what exists outside of the box, therefore it’s scary, therefore it’s uncomfortable to make space for it, therefore it needs to be proven wrong.
This box that the brain creates becomes so powerful that many of us will choose to exist in a state of dissatisfaction, lack of vigor, (okay, let’s just say it UNHAPPINESS) in order to maintain what is known. But truth doesn’t just go away. The essence of self is something deeper than the biological suit. Denying who you are only delays the process of awakening. And awakening WILL happen. But first, how do you even know whether you are denying yourself? There are certainly the clear and obvious symptoms, which most of us know. But there are some key tells that are a bit more subtle, like:
Falling in love, intense attraction or infatuation: What is it about the person that draws you in? These intense and often inescapable emotions are usually an indication that there is something about this person reflecting an aspect of self that wants to be expressed. Explore the emotions instead of pushing them away.
Feeling triggered, annoyed by someone, obsessed with a certain topic: Often these obsessions or fixations are trying to tell you something about an aspect of self that is being suppressed or denied. If you are comfortable with your decisions and world view, then these types of things generally won’t annoy or trouble you. Feeling empowered to change a situation is a much different energy than responding with hatred or obsession over someone else’s decisions. Address it with yourself, first, before reacting and attempting to push your point of view.
Lack of enthusiasm: Not looking forward to the day? Even on my days off, I practically jump out of bed at 5 a.m., because I can’t wait to start the day. If every day feels the same, if you feel smothered by your obligations, or if you have to schedule things days/weeks/months in advance that you *actually* enjoy, then you are denying your happiness and therefore denying your essence. The natural state is bliss. The natural state is in flow with the cycles and changes of life… not running from them.
I’m not going to delve into depression and anxiety because I’m not a qualified therapist and I won’t pretend to be, but I will talk about my personal experience. I spent many years doing what I thought was normal and necessary in order to achieve a certain standard of living; but achieving a STANDARD is not LIVING. Some mornings, I would be in such deep dread to exist through a simple workday that I made myself physically nauseous. Some days, my anxiety was so intense that I would have to leave my desk, walk, or sit in my car and listen to music just to muster enough strength to continue with my work… just to be able to BREATHE normally. There was a time when I was addicted to news and Twitter updates because it served as a perfect distraction from the reality right in front of me (but now I don’t follow news or watch TV at all). I remember watching the landscapers outside my office building and wondering what I did wrong in life to be locked indoors next to the screen and not out there with the earth.
It wasn’t any one event in particular that was making me anxious or upset (although sometimes it can be masked that way). It was an overall disconnection with myself. I was bored and dissatisfied to the point of misery. The authentic me values freedom, movement, and the natural world. The me I thought I had to be scheduled everything, sat for at least 9 hours a day instead of staying active, stared a computer screen instead of the stars, organized my day based on meetings and menial tasks instead of the sun and movement of planets, and existed inside of a poorly ventilated concrete building instead of being somewhere deep in the woods. Some people thrive in these environments. I am not one of those people. And don’t fool yourself if you aren’t either. There are many stories you can tell yourself to keep a lid on your truth. It’s all (to put it bluntly) bullshit.
This reality isn’t designed to operate in a constant state of denial. You can only push away your desires for so long. If you’re afraid of change, then the best thing you can do is to make the changes for yourself, NOW, before the Universe takes action FOR you. Because what you deny comes back to you with equal and intense force. As my teacher would say, it’s simple physics. The intense anxiety I felt and the mornings when I didn’t want to get out of bed — those were the opposite emotions of what I was meant to experience. When you are in alignment, in connection with your essence, you’ll feel similar intense emotions, but they will be pleasure instead of pain. They will feel natural instead of unmanageable. And sometimes discomfort is necessary in order to come to a state of pleasure. It’s ripping off the cosmic band-aid to heal and become whole again.
And of course, life will still bring experiences or lessons that won’t always be pleasurable. But when you are operating in a state of alignment, then you’ll have the strength and wisdom necessary to navigate these experiences in a way that allows you to grow and learn from them. It’s simply being present with the ebbs and flows, changes and shifts, highs and lows. Everything comes to an end at some point, but since you have the capacity to live NOW, why don’t you?
