Defining who you are

I have no idea why I’m reflecting on this topic on a beautiful sunny Thursday morning. Maybe it was because I was getting dressed and felt an anxious twinge from memories of feeling different or out of place. Maybe it was because I then started to analyze this feeling and why it still exists — since I thought I stopped caring a long time ago. And then I started to analyze why I even cared in the first place, especially since I enjoy being different and am usually comfortable in my own skin. And then, why am I like this?

My rational mind loves going through a checklist of factors. Environmental conditions, upbringing, genetics, ancestral karma, astrology, human design, etc., etc., etc. Well obviously my mutable-dominant chart conflicts with my Libra rising that just wants to fit in and make everyone happy. My human design did say that I have a defined heart center or sense of identity that can’t be changed. I did grow up in a highly artistic and entrepreneurial environment where creativity and originality was praised more than good grades and social status. Oh yeah, and what do they say about INFPs being idealistic and sensitive?

I’m not saying that these things do not contribute in the makeup of a person, especially as someone who believes in and studies astrology and karmic imprinting. But I am going to say that sometimes this needs to be pushed aside. The constant analyzing and rationalizing of the human condition (especially our own) can turn into programming that fits in with these qualities. Decision making might be supported by your personality profile or your natal chart, but are you going to make the same decision anyways? And why?

Who are you underneath all of the imprinting and programming? Are you comfortable with that person when there’s no rational definition?

It seems simpler to place everything into some sort of box. Desires and decisions are often born from expectation rather than the heart. When things get complicated, emotions start to take over or stories begin to unravel, we rationalize, define, control, attempt to simplify, suppress, and block our ability to feel and our nature to be free.

What happens if your career makes you miserable, or you fall in love, or something else sudden and expected happens that changes the programming? Because things do change and lives are turned around every day. That’s the thing about being human. You can control your environment as tightly as you can, but emotions will always win. The person you are will eventually rebel in some form or another.

My inner rebel may be louder than most, but there were times I didn’t listen. And then it hit me. I choose the paths/people/situations that allow me to be who I am. And I reject the ones that don’t. As long as I keep following that decision-making tree, I won’t feel out of place or away from myself ever again. And neither will you.